Posts Tagged ‘my own boss’

…and Now the Fear

March 7, 1998

March 7, 1998

The anniversary of my wedding day is approaching this Thursday, March 7.  This huge commitment to each other, our children, our God, and our unlimited future has not for one day been unappreciated, or underestimated, though I recall my day as a bride as one I spent in calm happiness. I wasn’t what I would call a blushing bride…more of a confident one. I loved planning the wedding-every step of the way, but mostly I knew without a doubt that I was marrying the very best man in the world, so there was no nervous color change in my cheeks. In fact, I recall enjoying watching my bridal party go down the isle and ooh-ing and aah-ing over them so much, that when my dad took my hand to go I was startled that I even got to participate in such a grand event. Maybe I was grateful for my family and friends who came to witness, or maybe I was grateful that this wonderful man waited for me at the end, but I did not once falter, cry, or shake with insecurity. With that much intense confidence I strode into my biggest blessing, and by far greatest commitment.

Another Ring Day-WVU Class Ring Ceremony

Another Ring Day-WVU Class Ring Ceremony

And much the same, I entered ownership of my own business, only this time I already had my husband on my side. Calm and confident, my husband provides the support and I provide the work that I love to do.  I have focused on creativity,passion and the knowledge that I can surpass expectations. Until this weekend I did, anyway.

Nothing really happened, other than the hostile takeover of my lungs by the pathogenic intruders which left me weak and longing for that sick day my boss would not supply. Eventually the diagnosis of pneumonia popped up, and even though I mournfully postponed a business trip, I still worked through a medicated stupor and violent coughing fits until the antibiotics kicked in.

But, somehow, through the bacterial weakening of my system, my confidence also took a hit. I woke up Thursday morning in a state of sheer terror brought on by a singe thought that passed my radar: Can I really make this work?  Suddenly doubt creeped in every thought and action and shaky breath making me wonder what the heck I signed up for by starting my own business. Will I let my husband down after years of supporting me through college? Will I ever have a steady income? Will I ever be able to replace my aging car? Can I deliver what I know I can do so that others can believe in it too?

Every night has been sleepless since that one demon-thought cracked the surface. My seven-day work week includes 16 hour days filled with research, tech articles, small business advice, mentor-seeking, and financial anaylysis.  Wishing for a telescopic view to the 6 and 12 month marks, I try to predict success without the necessary building blocks that lead up to it.

Maybe that’s the problem, I am reaching for the future before I have attended to mpowerthe present. I am overworking a problem that has not yet presented itself. And I am facing the equivalent of a dieter’s plateau…the groundwork is laid, the process has started, now I want to see the needle move!

I found a great resource for every step of my journey into self-employment. It’s by far my favorite, as it covers every topic imaginable for the long road ahead…including staying sane on the trip. http://www.entrepreneur.com/ and  http://www.entrepreneur.com/blog/index.html

Now, if I could only know on exactly which day I will STOP feeling the fear…

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